Time Zones

 

Well, here I am on the brink of a place I never thought I would be…heading "home" back to Sudbury, Ontario.  People say "Awesome, have fun!"  "Lucky you!"  Sudbury represents so much more than a place of dread for me, but a beginning where my life was heading down a deep black hole.  Divorced parents, high school bullying, a broken heart, etc.  This time it is not about me though, but about my gramps who is severely sick and has asbestos in his lungs and now has phenomena with a very poor outlook.  It was so cute how every time I talked to him I would ask him how he was doing and he would always say, "Another day, another foot on the ground."   The last time I talked to him he said "I am going my dear."  I told him it was ok to go and that I loved him.  Days later I was having lunch with a friend and she said "Well, you have to go, of course you do!"  It never dawned on me that I should or perhaps that I could do it.  Can you believe it, I dumped a ton of my savings and bought a ticket to Ontario and I leave tonight.  I am excited as I scramble for places to stay, but keep a close eye on my own mental health.  I have been noticing a certain anxiety overpowering me lately and a kind of feeling more spaced out than usual.  I need to take care of my "time zones" as it is imperative that people with bipolar disorder get enough sleep and try their best not to get de-clocked from the time zone change.  I know there will be moments of high anxiety and a lot of tears as two distant family members have died in the past two weeks too, so there will be funerals to attend while I am there too.  I just pray that I am able to conjure up the strength to be the person I want/need to be for everyone else.  I hope that I can make people smile and forget about my own worries for awhile.  I can make the best of this and aim to put happiness in the hearts of the people that are important to me and I plan to…but all the while keeping in check that I am okay.