SIDE EFFECTS

What to share today?  Someone once asked me what was it like living on a day-to-day basis with bipolar disorder?  The first thing that came to my mind was ‘side effects’.  I am specifically referring to the side effects of my medication.  I have been struggling so hard lately with my diagnosis and the prescribed medication regime.  I am so sick of acne, weight gain, feelings of paranoia, visual disturbances, depth perception issues, and the loathing every day when I swallow those pills knowing it is probably going to destroy my thyroid or kidneys some day.  Sounds pretty grim doesn’t it?  I envy people that have a mental illness and go along their way for years untouched without symptoms, but quite often those symptoms will usually reappear at some point.  I was in such a deep psychosis that it was only a regime of intense meds that brought me out of it, that I know to be true.  As I was in the hospital, I believed that airplanes were going to crash and burn on Parliament Hill and I was assured that earthquakes were going to overturn Vancouver Island.  I was in this state for over a month and I wonder how much longer it would have lasted had I not been medicated.  Some call it a spiritual experience but for me the majority of the experience was terrifying!  I plan to discuss my curiosity with my doctor and plan to inquire about other methods/meds as my thyroid is already swollen and I fear it losing function.  At least my GP has ordered a MRI to see if there is anything underlying.  I feel like I have been living in fear for the last while.  Fear of the side-effects.  Knowing that I probably need medication but not truly being at peace with it.  It makes my stomach churn and I can’t help but wonder what path I need to take.  Which one poses more risk.  I just know that the way that I am living my life with these side-effects is not how I want to be, but could it be worse on the other side?