I have been meaning to write about this topic for quite some time now. I talk to a lot of people and I tell them that I was in 'psychosis' and they say 'oh really…what's that mean?" Well, here is my super hero story for you to share with others. I was in Ottawa Ontario in 2004 and I was going through a stressful time, I was aiming to get my dream job in the political scene but it was eerie how every door I knocked on (metaphorically) seemed to open and then close quickly. Things didn't turn out serving food and I was worrying about my physical health as I often do, feeling there was something wrong and I had a terrible disease or condition. I am actually writing a book about my story and I go into great detail about my psychosis but today I am sharing some with you in hopes to shed some light around this topic. Hmmm…where to begin? Well, things started piecing together in a way that I had never experienced before and all things became anew as I formed a new relationship with God. Except this relationship was like no other, it became so intense and real that I could actually talk one on one with God and he would actually answer me back. It wasn't as if I could hear him outside of myself like a conversation with you, but in my mind I was totally chatting it up with God and it was pretty cool! All of a sudden every worry shifted away from my being and I became totally committed to becoming 'pure'. My perception of the world tumbled but in a good way, so it seemed, and I could see the difference between things that were dark/evil and things that were light/good. Everyone has their own experience but I find it interesting how so many people who go into a psychotic state often have a holy experience with God. It was not like I chose it and it seemed like it kinda chose me. As time went on, I began to make some big changes, I quit all my bad habits such as smoking, alcohol and any other behavior that I believed to be displeasing to God. I threw away books that seemed unholy and left them by a garbage can downtown and even removed by belly piercing. When I saw meat I cried out in sheer terror as I could not believe that we killed little animals, it somehow dawned on me that eating eggs was even wrong. I was on a certain 'high' that I was on and doctors call this 'mania'. The world was anew and I could communicate with anybody I wanted to and it felt like they were drawn to me too. I gave my diamond ring to a poor man in a wheelchair and cried as I walked away from him as my heart bled with utter empathy and love for him. Things started to change though and as I plunged deeper into my psychotic state and I began to see a lot more evil than good. I began to believe things that were not happening and others began to see my actions as weird/strange/crazy etc. I remember phoning up friends and telling them that my father was going to have a heart attack on December 7, 2004 and that would precipitate a terrible chain reaction in my family. I believed my nan, dad's mom, would have her own heart attack upon receiving the news and then it would continue to my grandfather who would die in grief over his wife's sudden death. I pictured the rest of my family dying and a vision in my mind showed me my uncle Ron and I coming into nan and grandpa's home with a rose for every one of them that had passed. This one delusion was a very minor one and as time passed I started to see images of things that were not there in the real world. I saw the world before we populated the earth and it was perfect. All the continents were merged and the water was a bright and beautiful deep blue…it was how God intended it to be. I then saw the land masses split apart and how the world evolved with man on it and my visions became extrememly frightening. It was actually like watching a movie and I especially remember Africa and saw how children were starving and how mankind became obsessed with war and killing each other. I believed sin decayed our world and I sobbed believing I was somehow responsible. As I lay in bed unable to sleep for days the psychosis continued into dark and more frightening places…more to come as I really love talking about this experience. I totally get what people are going through when they have a psychotic break and this takes place in illnesses such as Schizophrenia and Bipolar and some others. Have a peek at this site called 'Psychosis Sucks!' as it tells you about this state of being… http://www.psychosissucks.ca/epi/whatispsychosis.cfm I agree it did end up sucking big time but in the beginning it felt amazing, like I was being lured into something that I could not handle, but was unaware. On CBC last week, Dr. Gorman and I did a spot on Bipolar Disorder and he said people with a mental illness are viewed as dangerous or that they will 'snap'. I often hear this too, and I believe that is not the case having been there myself and he attests that his patients are the most gentle and loving people. Do you think I was dangerous while in psychosis? The only dangerous thing about my situation was that I was a danger to myself as my psychotic reality was weaved into the real world and I was not making logical decisions. Myth busting is what Bipolar Babe is about and trust me psychosis is not something to be feared and can happen to anybody. Psychosis or a mental illness does not mean you have a personlaity disorder or split personality, but really what is wrong with that too? If you think someone you care about is acting way out of character and you are like 'what is up with them?' We all have our own experiences with whatever but please check out the following site to help you out for next steps… http://www.psychosissucks.ca/epi/ Thank you PSYCHOSIS SUCKS! Much love, Andrea AKA Bipolar Babe**
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