New Years Bipolar Style

I felt a little trepidation going to a New Years Party where I barely knew anybody, but I braved it and took it on anyway, embracing the night hoping to have a blast.  I don't drink and it is a strange place to be when everyone around you is getting intoxicated.  I usually don't mind in the begin.

I felt a little trepidation going to a New Years Party where I barely knew anybody, but I braved it and took it on anyway, embracing the night hoping to have a blast.  I don't drink and it is a strange place to be when everyone around you is getting intoxicated.  I usually don't mind in the beginning of the night, it is just at the end of it when everybody starts acting goofy, still, I just laugh about it and throw away the judgements.  Well, you would never know what happened… the acid feeling induced by my illness came over me (I mention this feeling in previous posts).  The lights got brighter and fuzzy, the room felt small and confining, worse I felt like I was 'high' or something and to be around people was disconcerting and quite awkward.  It felt like 1000 eyes were staring at me and I was so uncomfortable that my face felt as if it was getting squished.  I took to the other room hoping nobody would notice and I called a friend while staring into the darkness, which also felt strange and looked twisted.  I explained to the party host that I had to go, but nobody ever understands where I am coming from.  They try their best to offer solutions but hiding away in a bedroom at 8:30 was not going to take the pressure off.  I had to leave 'now'.

I should not have drove in such a condition as the lights where overwhelmingly bright and all felt trippy.  I recognized that I was also feeling very manic, on edge and extremely anxious.  I drove straight to my friend's home where the mood was ambient with all the tea lights and the company was quite welcome as she asked me what she could do to make me feel better.  There was no music busting, no people yelling, just us relaxing in the dim lights.  My symptoms seemed to ease and I should have stayed there and then gone home, but my boyfriend was at the other party, and as I felt better I decided to go pick him up.  BIG MISTAKE!  As soon as I arrived the symptoms reappeared and as I stood by the roaring bonfire I realized this way of life was not for me anymore.  My physical being was telling me loud and clear that soothing noises, quieter people, and a more relaxed atmosphere were more up my alley.  The ride home was horrendous to say the least, but we got home safely, still the spell felt like it was getting worse.  As 2AM rolled around, so did the worst of the attack as my anxiety levels were now causing my body to tremble and racing thoughts were driving me crazy!!!  I decided to take a shower and with my new found eye sight I could see every speck of dirt on the shower stall, it made my shower seem dirty and gross.

I remember trying to fall asleep taking plenty of medication to help, but as I lay there it was as if my eyes were stapled open and my heart boomed inside my chest.  Eventually as the snoring eased beside me, I began to feel some inner solace.  My heart began to slow down, my eyes began to ease and my thoughts treaded on lighter ground.  I learned something about myself on New Years.  I learned about my triggers… a) Don't stay up late b) Beware of booming music and situations that may cause me stress.  c) Never feel like I can't leave.

It had been one of the worse attacks in months.  Still, I know this is not an omen of things to come for the New Year, but simply a reminder that I have limitations and I don't ever have to feel bad about them.  I guess I am just a little bit more sensitive than others and I love myself just the way I am…as should you!  xo Babe