It has been a difficult year and after putting it in perspective I realize how much my weight gain has affected my mental health. For many people, weight gain and medication go hand in hand but I have to admit that the more depressed I get about the weight gain, the worse I eat, the more lethargic I become and the more I hate myself when I look in the mirror. I have tried every fad diet possible and even had a failed attempt at a personal trainer. I have tried to lose weight, but it seems at every turn I am unsuccessful. As I write this article, I am discontent with my attempts and I wonder what I am doing wrong. I may have it figured out. I am too extreme in my attempts and the personal trainer took me from point A to point Z in a matter of weeks where I probably would have been more successful if someone would have taken me through the steps incrementally at a slower rate but on a happier note I have decided to join a GROOVE class only once a week for one hour a week…slow. This will work up to other exercises down the road.
I am not in my twenties anymore and the slim figure that I one saw and adored is gone forever. I was undiagnosed bipolar at that time and I have to remind myself that the only thing that I was truly happy with was my figure and the rest of me was falling apart. I would never want to return to those days, I am better for who I am today.
I have to accept that I am not moving into my past wishing that I had back what I had lost, but moving forward into a new body. I have to accept that I am embracing sanity over vanity and my body will shape itself as it will, which may never be what I truly want it to be, but I must be happy with the best that I have. I have to try and not let the medication pull me down on the couch because in doing that my depression will simply come over me and make me even more depressed. I have to remind myself 'baby steps.' No matter how trite it sounds, it's true.
I actually went to the gym for the first time in months yesterday and ate healthy for the entire day, it was one day and it is leading into the next. It has to start somewhere and for me it starts now!