Acceptance

I participated in the Bipolar Babe Bipolar Support group tonight and I have decided that it would probably be best to express my inspired self once a week.  Sometimes I have trouble with discipline, I don't eat well enough, I don't sleep on a regular schedule and I preach a lot of health tips that I don't practice but try.  Among the many things that we talked about tonight was acceptance or the lack thereof.  Out of all people who have bipolar disorder, you would think that I would embrace the nasty illness with all my heart, arms open wide.  Still, after all the work that I have done in the community, speaking to people, conferences, panels, that I would be 'okay' with having bipolar disorder.  Actually I am not okay with it at all.  On the surface and at times I feel at ease and I know I can manage what comes my way, but there is that little tiny part of me that wishes, just wishes that it wasn't so.  One girl described it as if something died inside of her and I know how she feels.  There is the wish that I didn't gain so much weight, that the acne was gone, that the acidy feelings left and I didn't have to worry about having a depressive or manic episode at work.  I suppose when it comes to acceptance, I prefer to think of it as manageability.  It is just the way it is, I am not going to colour it pink (like I do to everything else) but accept it for what it is.  An illness that doesn't define me, but is something that I have.  I am still working on acceptance and it may never come but at least there is one thing I will never lose, hope -hope that things will always continue to be on the up and up.  I think the fact that I am managing so well proves that there is some hint of acceptance…yes, there is.  Thanks for tonight group! HUGS  Andrea xo